2021

“In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so, with present time.”  Allen Watts

I love this quote partly because I love water, but also it makes me think about the minutes of life, and how one word leads to another adding up to a sentence and the present; at the same time those same words make up our past.

Looking back at 2021 I see not the only choices and decisions I have made, but also the consequences of my actions and reactions of my yesterdays. I sit here with my laptop, writing this blog a different person then I was in January 2021 with goals and excitement for the new experiences and adventures yet to come this year, 2022. By God’s grace I don’t feel the dread of tomorrow, but instead feel hope and anticipation of what this new year will bring. Last year was hard on everyone; I came out of it stronger and with more courage as I hope you did.

Last year I underwent some big changes. Quitting my job for health reasons, getting through an episode of major depression, starting back to counseling and doing the intensive deep work of trauma counseling. I started a girl Friday type of business and met a neat lady that I have been working for and getting to know. She has been a blessing in my life. I help her and in return she helps me. That is a wonderful gift.

I still have times with sadness and grief. January has always been a rough month for me. My depression usually raises its ugly head after all the holidays and excitement are over. Although, I don’t believe I am alone as far as January being a downer month. However, having major depression and being a highly sensitive person complicates everything I feel, my own pain and yours as well. Thanks goodness we are in February and the sun is shining again; there appears to be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. The other morning, I had a quick flash in my mine’s eye that I am finally getting the needed healing for my heart and soul. And it makes this journey I am on so very worth it. Hope is a wonderful gift.

I haven’t written a blog post in months, and I am disappointed, but accepting of where I am at in my life. These last couple of weeks I have been processing a lot with the things from my early childhood. My focus has been on working through the trauma* associated with and around my birth mom’s death. it has been extremely grueling and all encompassing. I feel like this EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) has really helped me to attach my sadness and grief with actual events rather than reacting all over the place and then feeling extremely frustrated that I had no understanding of the why or what I felt. At least now I have a better understanding of how that little girl inside me internalized the trauma that was my life before and after the age of six. I have spent most of my life trying to fill that unbelievable painful place in my heart.

My desires and dreams for this new year are for living in the joy of life in the present and not always having thoughts and feelings running in the background distracting me from living and enjoying the moment. I am contemplating writing a book. Wow! That is scary, but I have been told by many of you that I have enough to say to possibly accomplish such a big task. I think I still have a lot to learn about my technique and style. I do plan to continue writing my blog and trying to post my daily reflections and gratitude. I, also hope and plan to take a cross country road trip with my husband to go to visit my daughter in Utah. Mostly I want to shed the old stuff and make way for the new moments and memories yet to come. I just want to be content to just be, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a mom, and just be with no strings attached. I know life isn’t that simple, but I believe that can be attained by the right attitude and actions.

I have been diligently working on my meditation practice and spiritually. I have been spending approximately an hour every day to do my readings, practicing my mindedness, doing my check in with several ladies and writing my in daily page on my blog. Today I choose to feed my recovery, having faith and sharing my experience, strength and hope with others. May your HP bless you with your heart’s desires and your desires not yet known. I am thankful I have people and tools to deal with the times when I at dis-ease myself.

“Nothing works without work” Maya Angelou