In need of help

I have decided to design this new post as a tool for anyone to be able to reach out and just be heard as an open forum so to speak. This is by no means a crisis line, but I believe it can be a helpful tool as you will be able to make comments or ask for help or get feedback. It is important to know that I trust that people will be kind and not be little others who are truly struggling. After all we know life on life’s terms isn’t easy as sober people.

I have been in somewhat of a crisis mode this last week. My depression is really bad right now. I have been feeling very hopeless and extremely frustrated with how my life is as I have had to make some major changes this summer because of some health challenges.

Two Saturdays ago I actually thought about my bottle of Xanax and how it could take my frustration and hopelessness away. That is extremely scary for me. Thank you Jesus I didn’t act in that flash of desperation, and I told on myself to my husband.

I was supposed to have a telemedicine call last Thursday morning, and it never happened for what reason I am not sure. But, nevertheless I was extremely upset because I was going to discuss my medicine with the PA who prescribes for the place I go to for my counseling,  my depression and my insomnia. Once again my frustration spiraled down and I felt hopeless again. Thank you Jesus I wasn’t home alone. I finally got a person on the phone, rather then a damn automated recording. If I not was who I am and hadn’t had the experience with my birth mother’s overdose, things could have ended differently.

I have not been in counseling for over a year now, and I believe that  has lead to this major episode of depression I have been feeling for quite awhile now. My ability to deal with frustrations are even lower then usual. Everything feels catastrophic even though it isn’t the case. For example, I got a puppy last winter hoping that my little male dog would accept her and have a playmate. But, that isn’t the case. My male dog is jealous and intimidated by her. He is a bit of a baby. So my puppy just stands around in the dog yard while my little male dog hides in his dog house. I know it is no big deal, but I feel as though I have screwed them both up. Ugh!

I think most of all I am frustrated and am having trouble accepting my semi retirement because of my fibromyalgia and fatigue. Disliking myself and not caring about myself is a horrible place to be and it hurts to admit that is where this depression has taken me. It scares me enough to get the help I need. I never want to hurt those I love in the same way I was devastated at six years old.

I had to really get honest with myself and my new counselor last Friday. The urge to lie and deny was extremely strong; I had to use all my gumption to say yes to the question of thinking of hurting myself. I also feel that I am use to not feeling well and this life changing event of my job loss has just exasperated my already moderate depression. One of my of my favorite counselors told me I had to learn to depend my inner locust of control rather then external things and people for my happiness and who are fallible just like me.

So I had my first meeting with my new counselor, virtually. I think she really knows her stuff, and she primarily works with traumatized people like myself. I was telling her that in the past my diagnoses was Dysthymia and I felt as though I were in a major depressive episode. She responded by telling me that in my chart I was diagnosed with Major-Moderate Depression with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. Well I was really relieved to have a diagnoses that I felt was more accurate for the way I have been feeling and behaving a lot of the time. This Friday I have my assessment in person and we shall see if that is still the case.

My husband  feels like there is more going on with me. He feels I get manic as times when I am in this type of place of desperation and depression. He says it lasts anywhere from 45 minutes to 60 minutes. He is questioning if I may be Bipolar instead. I don’t know. All I really know is this time is one of the worse episodes I have had. The last episode like this was about 10 years ago. That episode was much more filled with anger and eventually sadness.

So today I am taking it one day at a time and doing the next right thing to stay sane and sober. I am working on reaching out more and connecting with others on the phone instead of just thinking about, which then I end up talking myself out of making the call and asking for help.

Please feel free to write about your experiences with your mental health issues. We need not be ashamed, because that just feeds the negativity in our brain. Asking for help and relating to others is the best thing I can do for myself today as well as having empathy for others rather then judgement. 🙏💜