They told me when I first came into the rooms that the only thing I would have to change is everything.
I never would have thought in a million years that I would be able to stop drinking, but I did. Over the past 27 years, I believe I have become a different person, a new and improved version of myself. Change does not take place in a cipher; I had to do the work. The changes in me happened when and only when I couldn’t continue living as I was. I had to shed my old skin and replace it with a new one. The emotional pain I was in forced me to make the necessary changes to stay not only sober but to be able to find joy, and peace and be able to live inside my own body without almost constant conflict. I am so grateful for the changes I have made in my life using a slightly different set of tools.
I have heard of so many tragic stories, DWIs, car accidents, deaths of innocent bystanders, being homeless, suicide, and much much more. Many lives have been affected by alcoholism along with the many shattered dreams that accompany the disease of addiction. All of these things and situations are not yets for me.
Until recently I hadn’t heard of another person who thought about driving off the road somewhere and just letting go into the unknown. By God’s grace, this person that I learned about survived driving off a cliff. That was always my fear that I might live if I ever got up enough nerve to do just that, drive off a cliff somewhere. That possibility kept me alive and from doing just that because I might not die. I can see that story I heard as a message from my God not ever to try that stunt because my God isn’t done with me yet. I am thankful for the messages that my God sends and for the gift of being able to hear and see clearly what I need to do or not.
On a good note with this change, I am finally learning to control my emotions. This change in my emotional control is one of the best things to come out of doing the EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to work through the trauma of my early childhood and having a good counselor to be there, helping me find the courage to explore some of the many feelings I use to continually feel without having a point of reference or reason for my feelings and often overreacting people and situations.
I am the creator of my destiny just as we all are. No one can make me do anything that I don’t want to do or feel a certain way. Today I choose to see things differently and do differently as well. I am taking it one day at a time. I have finally found a new counselor since starting this blog. I am grateful to be able to continue my EMDR and at some point put the past to rest where it belongs. No matter how much you and I don’t want the past to not have lasting consequences it does. However, it doesn’t matter who did or what was done; the point is to heal and be able to move forward in such a way that involves living a life having joy and being contented. Now that I have that off my chest I will tell you that being a survivor of childhood trauma has made me a stronger warrior woman and a miracle. Not everyone makes it through to the other side like I have and not only survives but thrives most days. I am very blessed and thankful for who I am and the lessons I have learned along the way. The revisions in my life have served a purpose. The fact is that if I believe in a God then I have to have faith that what he has in store for me is for my own good and the beautiful tapestry of my life. For every season there is a reason.
https://www.mentalhealth.gov/basics/what-is-mental-health