Well, as always, life on life’s terms is ever changing. Today I try to go with the current rather fight it.
This blog is about exactly that, daring to be, trying to just write with authenticity and without hesitation and fear of what you might think. Fear still holds me back and it doesn’t really allow me to speak from my heart, sharing my experience, strength and hope. So we are just going to see how this goes.
This week I have been working on acceptance of life and the physical challenges I face almost daily. So I am a little behind on writing this, but that is ok, because I am a work in progress and doing the best I can daily just like you. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Yuck! That doesn’t even sound good. Oh well. So my challenges not only consist of living sober, but doing the proper self care to live they way I want to. I struggle with food allergies and some other autoimmune stuff. Sometimes it is very challenging, but I am up for the challenge most days; although it is tougher some days. But this is not a victim thing.
I am no longer a victim thanks to the power of recovery, and the support we give each when we are walking through difficult times, like these last couple of weeks for me. Today I want to be heard rather hiding out of shame or the feelings of not being worthy. Writing this blog and really trying to just be is a challenge, but it is one I can take on today. Wow, I am extremely grateful for the change in the swing of my pendulum. Today I want to be rather then just exist.
None of this would be if I hadn’t taken that first drink to fill that deep hole inside my heart and soul. I had to have all of the experiences, good and bad. There are and was so much good in my life even when I drank. I am not really a low bottom drunk. I still had so much: my home and my family, even though at times things weren’t good. One of the things I tended to do was tell myself that someday I will do it (whatever I wanted,) but I didn’t have the faith or the desire to do anything to really change the discontentment. Although I did have my creativity and art, which was a gift in many ways. Drinking definitely allowed me to be creative and filled the need I had to just do that.
I have always loved my art. I took Art all through high school. My art allowed to give of myself to others without really sharing my soul, at least not outwardly. I rarely made anything for myself because I didn’t feel worthy of all of my hard work I put into my creatively. So, I sewed and created for my loved ones, especially for my daughter, my little sister and nephews. I loved doing and making things for them and just being with them. They in some ways were my world; the time spent with them kept me somewhat sober and functioning. Once they grew up and went on with their lives, I felt very empty and alone. I lived for them more then my husband or anyone else. I always knew that, but this is the first time I have actually put the words down and said them out loud so to speak.
My drinking definitely got worse at that point. I had to have something to fill the void and the hole that was left behind once they all grew up. I really didn’t believe I would ever be truly content until I found sobriety. There were many dark days and lots of pity parties to have then, when I had no real reason to not drink as I wanted. My marriage wasn’t enough and I surely didn’t believe I was enough. Really I just got depressed and stop trying to be better. I kind of gave into my alcoholism and figured I would just drink and survive. I honestly never thought I could ever stop drinking; that was my only coping mechanism that actually worked. Numb was what I wanted, but numb was not all I got. I was full of anger and envy, and they made for great drinking buddies.
I have heard many times that there will come a day when you have choose between your HP or the drink. Somehow one day in October 1995 I found that my non-existent HP was really there, and I heard something I had never heard before. From that day forward I have been living a sober life, one day at a time.
I am glad I accepted the challenge to be real today and hopefully can continue to do this. It is progress not perfection one day at a time. God Bless and be well.
Remember your God doesn’t make junk; therefore you are worthy and right where you are supposed to be. You are not lone unless you choose to be. There is help you just have to have the willingness to ask.
“Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.”
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