The Choice is mine.

Happy Holidays!

I hope you were able to celebrate in one form or another, clean and sober.

This time of year is usually hectic and tiresome; in addition to all of that I often experience some depression. However, this year because of the COVID,  my Christmas was much more relaxing. I usually go up north to spend the holiday with family; I love being with them and seeing them and being involved in some of the traditions they have. But, it was a nice change to be home with my hubby. Next year, hopefully, things will be different and better for everyone. Tonight I choose not project about next Christmas because I will miss out on the present, a gift from my Higher Power.

Last week I realized that half of my blog was not live. Therefore it couldn’t all be searched and found via a search engine. The last few pages and posts I wrote  were in a staging area. What a mistake that was! I had no idea I would lose my last couple of posts I wrote and some pages I had designed. So I am learning on the fly and tried to fix my mistake by following this tutorial on Word Press. It wasn’t easy to follow! I seem to have messed up my blog but good! But, rather then get all upset and let my ego rule me, I have chosen to learn and press on to recreate my lost pages and posts another time.

Wow! A year ago I would have quit this whole blog writing stuff, but by the grace of God I have a willingness to learn from my mistakes instead of just giving up and quitting. I feel proud that I tried to fix my mistake and can move forward rather then being stuck in the negative.

I wasn’t always this way. I gave up on a lot of things and people in my past because I wasn’t able to get past a perceived failure or mistake. Or I wouldn’t try at all because I was so afraid of failing. I had little belief in myself, the healthy self that I have found in these last few years of sobriety. I don’t want to sit upon my metaphorical fence and miss experiencing life in all kinds of ways. Willingness to be open to growing and changing is what my sobriety has always been, but it has definitely changed. That, my friends is proof of my gigantic growth in faith and trust in my journey, my HP and my life choices today.

So if you have seen my post: The Walking Wounded, it no longer exists at least not today. I will revisit that title and I believe it will not only be a revision, but a better post because that is just how life works. I believe that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Any time I have had to start new again I have always gained knowledge and self confidence that I won’t make the same mistakes again at least not in the same way.

Today I chose to be grateful for the changes in my life, knowing I still have much to learn. To grow and change is to live life fully and that is what I choose today.

Getting back to the holidays where I left off earlier. Holidays can be a big trigger for people; anyone who has suffered losses this time of year will be affected by some sort of melancholy; I believe that is probably somewhat normal. I have learned that I can still feel the sadness and sense of loss without getting stuck there. I have never been one to sleep through my depression. (Actually If I could do that, I probably would have less depression since I also suffer from insomnia.) My thing and always has been is to get into watching my tv shows and movies. I don’t want to feel, so I just veg out on television programs, especially if I am not drinking. And that hasn’t been for many years.

Over the last few years I have found a better way to cope, one is to get busy and do physical labor, which I really love. But now I have to choose what I am actually physically capable of these days with this aging process. But, that is ok. Because age and maturity has helped me to develop better skills to cope, like reaching to another sick and suffering or a friend or I can blog about my stuff. Any of these are better just floating through life without a purpose.

These days I live a more purposeful life and I am truly grateful for that. I have a choice of the colors I have in the mosaic of my life; my tapestry is improving with more vibrancy and joy. I also pray for healing for you and our country. I pray when this pandemic ends we will all be better for going through it and not just going around it, which is how I lived my life when I drank. Today I choose to face life head on, knowing it isn’t going to be easy. But I know my faith will get me through just as it will you.