H.O.W. did I get here?

You asked how did I get here. I can tell you honestly that it’s taken me a lot of time and a lot of emotional work to get where I’m at today. I didn’t become an alcoholic overnight and I didn’t get sober and emotionally healthier overnight either. To be sober I had to truly get honest with myself about who I was and to learn how to be me, warts and all.

I remember the first time I got drunk on my 18th birthday. We were celebrating, and I was drinking  screwdrivers; I think. I don’t really remember the ride home that night; I just remember throwing up in the bathroom and grabbing a towel to clean it up. I threw the nasty towel in the wash machine and closed  the lid. The next morning wasn’t too good; I was hungover and my parents weren’t very happy with me. But, I didn’t regret it because I felt something I had never felt much of before, confidence and acceptance.

Before that experience I had never truly felt like I fit. I always felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I was always looking for acceptance and love. Don’t get me wrong I was loved and an important part of my family; I was the eldest daughter and a sister, always trying to make sure that everyone was alright. That was a big job and not one I took lightly. I loved my family then and continue to love them today. That has never changed; I am the one who changed.

I fell in love with alcohol and how it made me feel, hangover or not. It didn’t matter; I just felt better when I drank. But, drinking eventually began to twist up my thoughts and behavior. The longer I drank the more self righteous anger filled my heart and soul; I felt sorry for myself and soon forgot all of the good stuff my parents taught me. I totally stopped caring about what they thought. That makes me sad to think of the times I disrespected them and disappointed them.

i not only gave up my self respect, but also my belief in my God. I figured he didn’t care about me and that I wasn’t worthy of my God’s love. That was a horrible dark place to be and it required more and more alcohol to make me feel better. But like all good things, that came to an end. There’s a saying “ The man takes a drink; the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes the man.” That is a very sad saying, but very true.

Today, by my God’s good grace, alcohol no longer has that control over me. However, I have come to realize that I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t taken that path. I know that in amongst the bad times there were plenty of good and that part of my life is just that, pieces of the tapestry of my life. I have learned not to have regrets, but instead appreciate the lessons I learned along with how to be honest with myself and the role I played. I am no longer a victim and choose to be empowered by my experiences, good and bad.

That is just the beginning of how I got to be here writing this blog tonight. H.O.W: honesty, open mindedness and willingness; some of the many gifts of my sobriety.

My God’s love for me never left; I just moved away. But, I made the choice to move back and you can too. All you have to do is ask for help. Help is  always there if we ask. You are a loved child of your God and are worth fighting for, learning and growing along the way.

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
1-800-662-4357

https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/                                                                                                                                                                                                         1-855-399-8904

Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only the best, be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.